Ngaba uCwangcisa uMtshato wesini esinye kunye nokuFumana ingcebiso ongacelwanga kwizalamane?

UMark O'Connell, umbhali we Abatshakazi banamhlanje & nabaGwini bale mihla: Isikhokelo soku Cwangciso Ithe ngqo, iGay, kunye neminye imitshato engeyiyo yeNkulungwane yamashumi amabini ananye, wabelana ngesicatshulwa kwincwadi yakhe ethetha ngendlela yokusingatha amacebiso omtshato kwizalamane zemveli.

nguIvy Jacobson

Iispotlights emva kwekhethini: Queer Tips From Traditional Relations

"Ngaba uza kunxiba ilokhwe yomtshakazi yeteyiphu?" Ndabuza Umzala kaJustin uEmily. 

Ndiza kukwazisa ukuba umama kaEmily, u-Anti uCorky, ngowokuqala ukwenza ilokhwe ngeteyiphu yekhonkco! Wayilungiselela i-prom ka-Emily emva kweminyaka yamashumi alithoba. Umfanekiso kaEmily wabonakala kwiimagazini ezinkulu-nje Maxim-kwaye imeko yahamba ngentsholongwane. Ilokhwe ye-tape ye-duct iye yaba yinto, into. Ngoku ilukhuphiswano oluqhubekayo kwaye ibingumngeni woyilo Runway Project ngo-2012. Kodwa ukuza kuthi ga namhlanje, uCorky akathathanga tyala; ngabantu babucala. Yiyo loo nto ndibuza ngokucaphukisayo malunga nesinxibo somtshato kaEmily-wayeneqabane elide kakhulu kwindoda awayeza kutshata nayo, kodwa engakhange atshate. Ndandifuna wonke umntu obandakanyekayo afumane ingqwalasela endivakalelwa kukuba ifanelekile. Ndandifuna inyani yabo eyoyikisayo—eyayifihlwe bubuqhetseba/ “ubumfihlo”—ukuba yenze izihloko eziphambili. 

Uyabona, naphi na apho kukho ubugwenxa, kukho inyaniso. Naphi na apho kukho i-queerness, kukho imfuneko. 

Uninzi lwemitshato yethu yale mihla—ingaba ngamafanasini, ngokuthe ngqo, okanye yintoni onayo—uyiyo queer, intsingiselo baxhathise udidi okanye inkcazo. Ndiyaqinisekisa ukuba okwangoku usemva komtshato onjalo ngokwakho, apho inyaniso yakho isoyisa isithethe. Oko kukuxakekisa ngawe iimfuno ukuphambuka kwinto eqhelekileyo yokuphila, ukuphila, ukuphefumla—indlela uEmily awayefuna ngayo ilokhwe yeteyiphu ukuze azive njengaye kwi-prom. 

ULyn noJorge 

Umtshato womhlobo wam uLyn ngumzekelo omhle we-queer = inyaniso = imfuno. ULyn wakhuliswa njengomYuda kwaye wayethandana kuphela nabafana abangamaYuda de wadibana noJorge-umKatolika ongaqheliseliyo wemvelaphi yaseSalvador. Ngoko, hayi amaYuda. I-Conservative (kunye ne-brittle) kubuYuda bakhe, umntakwabo kaLyn wabelana ngokunyanisekileyo noLyn ngaphambi komtshato wakhe inkolelo eqinileyo yokuba kufuneka atshate ngaphakathi kokholo. Ukuze aphephe ukungquzulana okungakumbi, uLyn akazange akhankanye ukuba urabhi olibhinqa wayeya kwenza umsitho wabo, engafuni ukuva ukugxekwa okungakumbi. Ekuqaleni umnakwabo wala ukuya. Ngeli xesha, utata kaLyn-umYuda ozelwe engumdikoni ongumKatolika-wayenentsiba ezirhabaxa kuba uJorge wayengenguye. Kaninzi Katolika. Utata wakhe wayelumkile ukuba angasondeli kakhulu kwi-chuppah yabo ngexesha lenkonzo. 

ULyn wayekhathazwa yiyo yonke le nto kangangexesha elithile. Lonke ukhetho awalwenzayo lwabangela iimfazwe ezingcwele. Kodwa wathi akudinwa kakhulu ukuba angakhathali, wazikhumbuza ukuba kutheni efuna umtshato ekuqaleni indawo. Uyamthanda uJorge. Ufuna ukuchitha ubomi bakhe bonke kunye naye. Kwaye wayefuna ukubhiyozela oko kunye nabantu ababalulekileyo ebomini bakhe. Ecaphukisayo njengoko umtshato wakhe wawubonakala kwabanye, yayingeyonjongo kaLyn leyo. Umtshato wakhe othandekayo wawusisiphumo nje senyaniso yakhe kunye nesidingo sakhe esikhokelela indlela, kwaye nangona kuthathe ixesha, umntakwabo ngoku unobudlelwane obufudumeleyo noJorge, kwaye uvakalisa uthando lwakhe oluninzi ngonyana kaLyn noJorge.

Isityhilelo sakho 

Ngoko musa ukuzikhathaza ngokuba nomsindo logama nje usenguwe. I Batman noRobin umtshato, okanye Black Swan, Umphunga Punk, Abafokazi. ezidla, okanye Star Wars umtshato-ogcwele umngcelele ukuya eDarth Vader March-ngokuqinisekileyo unokusebenza konke, kodwa kuphela ukuba ingcamango iyakutyhila. hayi ukuba ikugqume kwinkampu engaphandle. Kunokuba luqilima ukuxela umahluko, ngakumbi xa amapolisa aqhelekileyo esingqongile ngohlobo losapho kunye nabahlobo bethu, ngakumbi xa amapolisa esiqhelo ikwangathi.

Amapolisa aqhelekileyo 

I-siren yamapolisa aqhelekileyo ikhala ngeendlela ezininzi-indlela ekrwada yomninawa kaLyn, kunjalo, kodwa nangeendlela ezifihlakeleyo. Umama esoyikela ukuba sibene Elton John Umtshato okanye abantu ababuza izinto ezinje ngo “Nguwe hayi ukuvala iitattoos zakho?" okanye “Akuyomfuneko ukuba uphuze esibingelelweni, akunjalo? Njengokuba ningabafana ababini?” Abahlobo bakufowunela Bridezilla okanye Groomzilla kuba ufuna ilokhwe emenyezelayo okanye isuti ekwenza uzive ngathi yinkwenkwezi. Usapho lusithi “ugqithisile,” ngenxa nje yokuba wonwabele ukutshata okanye kuba ufuna ukubonwa ngolu hlobo. Kulula kakhulu ukudimazeka ngala maxesha, ukuvala uchulumanco lwakho kunye/okanye ukuqunjelwa lihlazo. 

Thatha ixesha lokucingisisa ngemiyalezo ekuthintelayo ukuba ungajoli kwindawo ephambili-ingakumbi xa inguye oziphetheyo. 

Jonga ixesha elide kwaye unzima kwiindlela oziphuphayo zokubonisa. Yenza ezi imifanekiso kukupholisa? Ukuba kunjalo, mhlawumbi kungenxa yokuba ingcamango yokubhiyozela yonke into oyithandayo phambi kwabantu obathandayo iyakuchulumancisa. Kwanokuba ukhetho lwakho lwentetho lubonakala luxhokonxa abanye, ukucatshukiswa kusenokungabi lusukelo lwakho lokugqibela. Nokuba ukhetha ukudiliza iindonga zesithethe—njengoko uLyn wenzayo ekutshateni kwakhe umntu ongengomYuda nokuba norabhi obhinqileyo—mhlawumbi ukwenzile oku ukuze udale indawo yokuba inyaniso yakho ibekho. Hayi nje ukwenza "umboniso."

Ngaphezu koko, mhlawumbi izalamane zakho zemveli-ezibonakala zinobulumko ngakumbi queer ukukunika kunokuba ekuqaleni idibana iliso. 

Ngokomzekelo, ndakhe ndacinga ukuba umakazi uCorky wayelipolisa eliqhelekileyo ngoxa sasityelele yena nomyeni wakhe, uMalume uJohn, emva nje komtshato wethu. UCorky wayengayithandi enye yeetosti kwindawo yethu yolwamkelo, kwaye wayefuna ukuba siyazi. “Andizange ndicinge ukuba kwakuyimfuneko,” watsho, ebhekisela kwithoni “yezobupolitika” enikelwa ngumhlobo wethu osenyongweni uSharon. USharon ungumntu othanda ukunxulumana ngokugqithisileyo, onamandla okuthetha ngendlela ekhohlakeleyo—maxa wambi simbiza ngokuba nguye Inkanyamba uSharon. Wayekhaba i-butt njengegqwetha leprojekthi ye-ACLU LGBT ngexesha lomtshato wethu, kunye nemigca ephosakeleyo yomtshato eguqukayo-ngokusemthethweni nangokwentlalo-asicinga ukuba akukho mntu ungcono kwi-keepin'-i-real, icandelo le-advocacy. ngomtshato wethu ongekho mthethweni kunaye. Kodwa uCorky akazange avume. “Besikhona sonke ukukuxhasa. Kwakutheni ukuze umntu aye apho?”

Amagqabaza akhe andenza ndonwaba ngelo xesha, kodwa mna ngokungaboni ngasonye, ​​kwaye ngokungachanekanga, ndawabhalela ukuba abe ngokwesintu. 

Unina kaJustin, uSandy, mhlawumbi wayijika imbono yam, ecebisa ukuba uJohn (umnakwabo) wayegqalwa “njengomntu oqhelekileyo” ngabazali babo beWASPy, ngoxa uSandy wayevakalelwa njengemvu emnyama. UJohn noCorky babenomtshato omde osempilweni, indlu entle yasefama yaseNew England-nocingo olubiyelweyo-kunye neentombi ezimbini ezithandekayo. Ngelixa uSandy-nangona wayenoonyana ababini abathandekayo-wayeqhawule umtshato kwaye engamkelekanga kakhulu kuburharha, kwisimbo, kunye ngokubanzi. Kodwa le yimbono nje enye. 

Khangela amabali osapho anomkhethe. Basenokudala imiqobo engeyomfuneko phakathi kwakho nezinye izalamane zakho. 

Ngokuqinisekileyo, kwimbono yehelikopta, uJohn noCorky banokufana nosapho oluqhelekileyo ukusuka Yiyeke eBeaver, kodwa ukuba usondeza kwi tattoo yecilikishe endlebeni kaCorky, uyakubona ubugxwayiba obumangalisayo bugudla indlela yokuphuma. Enyanisweni, ukuba uya kwindlu yabo-efana ne-beride, i-New England ibhedi kunye nesidlo sakusasa-unokubona ukukhanya komlingo kuphuma kumnyango ophezulu. Elo ligumbi lobugcisa likaCorky. Ngaphakathi, uya kufumana iithoyi ezipeyintwe ngesandla, izitulo, iiwotshi-kunye nelokhwe yeteyiphu edityanisiweyo ngamaxesha athile-zonke zikwisitayile sakhe esingaqhelekanga. 

Ngaba uyazi ukuba uTim Burton unomfanekiso oqingqiweyo, wehlabathi, omnyama-namhlophe-unemigca, engaqondakaliyo, ubuhle be-gothic? ICorky's ihluke ngendlela eyahlukileyo.

Wake wenzela uJustin isitulo esipeyintwe ngemibala yelekese emnandi kunye neemilo ezinjengoMiro ezibonakala ngathi ziyadanisa. Ukwasithumelela isihombiso seKrisimesi esenziwe ngesandla rhoqo ngonyaka: kanye, ngokungalibalekiyo, sifumene ii-elves ezihlohliwe ezinobuso bethu obukrolwe ngesilika, esibabiza ngoonodoli bethu bevoodoo. Ngenene ngoyena mntu woqobo, onetalente, kunye nochwephesha wezandla endakha ndamazi. 

Kodwa ukhetho lwakhe kukuhlala engaziwa. Ivaliwe, ukuba uyathanda. Kwaye kufuneka ndifunde ukuyihlonela loo nto. (Ngaxa lithile. Ngokucacileyo andikabikho, njengoko ngokucacileyo ndibhala ngaye.) Kodwa oku kuthetha nje ukuba kwanezalamane zethu ezifihlakeleyo, ezibonakala ngathi zezemveli azikho ngokuyimfuneko ukuba zibe ngoozwilakhe baseNyakatho Korea. Injongo yabo yokugqibela isenokungabi kukusivala. Ngapha koko, njengoCorky, banokuba nentaphane yobuchule bokuyila obubekwe kude obunokuba luncedo kuthi, ukuba siyazi ukuba sijonge phi. 

UCorky noJohn 

Njengoko kuvela, uCorky noJohn babenayo umtshato queer eyabo. (Yayiyi-Black Sheep Sandy eyayinento enkulu eqhelekileyo yokwenza kwi-harbor yaseNew Hampshire enqabileyo. Khumbula into endiyithethileyo ngemitshato kunye ne-irony, kwisahluko 1?) UJohn kunye noCorky, kwelinye icala, bathetha. Babehlala eKansas ngelo xesha, kude neentsapho zabo, kwaye bayenza nje loo nto. Bona nje, abanye abahlobo, kunye nenja kaJohn, uJosh. Imiqathango yabo. UJohn wanika uCorky uDonald Duck umsesane ngelo xesha: isenzo esatyhila uburharha babo kunye nokuqonda okungaqhelekanga kwesi siko njengomdlalo. Baye baneentlobo ngeentlobo amakhonkco umtshato kule minyaka-indlovu, ijeyidi, iplatinum-kodwa uYohane kutshanje umsesane yokuqala reworked ukukhumbula umtshato wabo queer: UDonald ngoku ubamba idayimani. 

Kwaye ubugxwayiba babo bade bahamba ngenyukliya-nje kusapho. Njengoko ndibhala oku, sifumene emva-kwenyani-isibhengezo somtshato osondeleyo ka-Emily, ngaphantsi kwe-radar. Akukho ilokhwe yeteyiphu, ngelishwa. Kodwa ngokwenyani kuye, u-Emily waya kuthuthuzelwa ngumtshakazi: umphezulu wetanki emhlophe, iibhulukhwe ezimfutshane zedenim, kunye neeflops.

Qala ukufola abantu besiqhelo kwintsapho yakho kwaye ubagocagoce. 

Ungalukhula ngazo naziphi na iingcebiso eziqhelekileyo ongazithandiyo, kodwa okwangoku unokufumana inkuthazo kwiindawo ongazilindelanga. 

Umzekelo, thatha u-Anti wam uRita, owathi akubanjelwe kwiminyaka yamashumi asixhenxe, wakhwela ihobe ngqo kumbindi wedolophu yaseLong Island (ngokoqobo, wayengumhlohli wokuqubha). Wayekwiminyaka yakhe yamashumi amabini kwaye eli yayilitikiti lakhe lokuphuma eBronx. Okoko ndimazi, ebemhle, emfamekile, eblonde, eveza iinzipho onokuthi ngazo unqunqe inyama yenyama, kwaye “ubambe” njengoMfazi woMzi wokwenyani wase “Lawn Guyland.” Iglasi yokutyibilika yesiqhelo yasezidolophini yayibonakala ilingana nonyawo lukaRita—de waqhawula umtshato nedolophu yaba “yiDawgville.” Kwaye uCinderella waseLawn Guyland wajikwa ngonya wabuyela eRita esuka kwiBloko. 

Isipolishi esiqhelekileyo sosulwa, ngoku ndiyambona uRita esanda, ngokumangalisayo, queer. Ndicinga ukuba wayenjani ngaphambi komtshato wakhe wesintu. Xa wayengumfundi eFIT kwaye wayila isinxibo sakhe somtshato wabazali bam ngo-1971, umzekelo. Iibhulukhwe ezishushu ezipinki zasendle! (Undilungisile oko: uthe ibhulukhwe eshushu ibiyi “salmon”). Ayisiyiyo kanye into enokuthi ikhethwe ngumama wekhaya waseLong Island oqaphela isimo somtshato. Kunzima ngokupheleleyo. Ngubani onokuba nombulelo? 

Ngaba bendikhe ndacela ingcebiso kuRita ngokuthe ngqo, njengokuthi "Ngaba ooMama bethu kufuneka basinike?" usenokuba washwabanisa impumlo ngendlela engathandekiyo—ngokwesiqhelo, ngokonqena—engazange ayibone into enjalo “kwiLawn Guyland.” Kodwa iqhinga liya kuba kukubuza malunga neebhulukhwe ezishushu. Apho, ndafumana ukukhanya kukaRita, ekusenokwenzeka ukuba kwasinceda kwiphulo lethu lokufuna iinyaniso zobuxoki. 

Njengoko kwenzekayo, umninawa kaLyn-umYuda okhohlakeleyo-ukwanayo nembali eyimfihlo yobungqwabalala-kubandakanywa nobusuku basendle eNew Orleans, kunye ne-cross-dressing stint yeHalloween, enxiba njengenkampi, umongikazi obhinqileyo. ULyn unomfanekiso. Ukuba nje wayenokufikelela kolu hlobo lwakhe xa wayecwangcisa umtshato wakhe. 

Sifunda ukujongana ngcono namapolisa aqhelekileyo kubomi bethu, kwaye sifumane inkuthazo kubo, xa siqonda ukuba izimvo zabo ezilawulayo zivela phi. Abazami ukuba ngabagwebi besiko, kwaye abafuni ukuba ne-phobia malunga nabantu abafana nawe. Into abanokuba nayo kukungavisisani malunga nokuhlala kwindawo yokujonga ngokwabo. 

I-Spotlight Ambivalence 

I-Spotlight Ambivalence ziimvakalelo ezixubeneyo malunga nokubhenca inyani yomntu yokuyila xa icela umngeni kwinto eqhelekileyo. Ibangela ukuba abantu basebenze, kwaye ngamanye amaxesha bachase xa uthatha indawo ephakathi. 

Kodwa njengoCorky, uRita, kunye nobhuti kaLyn, basenokuba banengubo eqaqambileyo yeteyiphu, ibhulukhwe eshushu “yesalmon”, okanye impahla yomongikazi ekhempini emva komkhusane. Ukuba simamela ngengqondo ephangaleleyo, sinokuzifumana ezona nyaniso zintsonkothileyo, kwaye sibe nenkalipho yokubonisa ezethu izimbo zokuzibonakalisa. 

Ndinqwenela ukuba ndiyiqonde ngcono i-Spotlight Ambivalence xa uMama wam ebhengeza uloyiko lwakhe ngomtshato ka-Elton John. Okanye nangaphambi koko, xa ndandineminyaka emihlanu ubudala. Kwelinye icala, wandivumela ukuba ndibe ligqwirha leHalloween kwaye wandifumanela unopopi onguMiss Piggy ngeKrisimesi. Kwelinye icala, wayesoloko engonwabanga—echubekileyo, kodwa enempembelelo—xa ndanditsalela ingqalelo kum ngendlela engangqinelaniyo nesini, umz., “Ngaba abafana bawahlubula amashiya?” kunye no-“Ii-S zakho ziya konwaba kancinci.”

Ayiqhelekanga ukuba abasetyhini kunye namadoda athandanayo nesini angahambelaniyo abe noomama ababonisa olu hlobo lwe-Spotlight Ambivalence.. Uluntu lwethu lutyekele kumapolisa okanye ukohlwaya (okanye ukuxhaphaza) zonke izinto zobufazi. Oku kubeka umthwalo ongalunganga kuninzi lwethu ukufihla iminqweno yethu yokuhoywa, ngenxa yokoyika ukufumana iilebhile. ngomsindo, queen yedrama, idangatye, Jonga sifebe, njalo njalo. Oomama bethu abaninzi bazama ukusikhusela ekubethweni kabukhali libutho labantu ngokusithumelela imiyalezo—ngokuchuliweyo okanye ngokungqalileyo—“ukuyithoba.” (“Ngaba ngokwenene uyayifuna loo lokhwe intle?” “Musa ukuba yinkosazana.”) Ukanti uninzi loomama abafana nam basenokuba nomnqweno wabo osondeleyo—nangona ungeyonyaniso—ngakuthi nakubo bobabini. umdaniso kwindawo ebonakalayo. 

Umzekelo, umnqweno kamama wam wokuba ndibe noMiss Piggy adlale naye umva weqonga wawukho kunye noloyiko lwakhe lwenkohlakalo enokuthi iphoswe kum xa enokubhaqwa edlala noMiss Piggy centre. Ndifumanisa ngoku ukuba wayengathandi abantu abathandana nabantu abathandana nabo ngokwemvelo okanye ngokukodwa effemiphobic. Wayethanda kakhulu ingqalelo; ukoyika ukuhoywa okwavela ekuphambukeni kukhuseleko lwesiqhelo. 

Ngokuqinisekileyo xa ngokuthe tye, emhlophe, eyindoda, amadoda athatha ukukhanya-njengoko ehlala esenza ngeendlela esizilindeleyo: amandla, ubundlongondlongo, njl-njl-sihlala singaqapheli. (Abakhuluwa bam abathathu baye basindiswa kakhulu kumthetho ochuliweyo, noqhelekileyo kamama.) Asiqondi ukuba bacela ingqalelo ekhethekileyo kuba siye sabavumela ukuba balawule ukukhanya kwasekuqaleni. 

Ngoku ndiyaqonda ukuba nanini na uMama ekhalazela iibhulukhwe ezimfutshane zikaSerena Williams okanye zika-Angelina Jolie… ke, yonke into ngo-Angelina Jolie, okanye umntwana wam ofikisayo esibilant “S” (isikolo saphambi kwedrama, khumbula), yayiyi-Spotlight Ambivalence yakhe ethetha. Xa wayegxeka udadewabo, uMakazi wam uConnie, kungekuphela nje ngemitshato emininzi, kodwa nangokudlala indima ephambili edlalayo Chicago, Cabaret, Molo Dolly, Sweet Charity, Intombazana ehlekisayo, iGypsy kunye nabanye abangabalekiyo—ukuba singalibala, wahexiswa nguLiz Taylor—yayiyi-Ambivalence kaMama eSpotlight ekudlaleni. 

Ndinqwenela ukuba i-Spotlight Ambivalence ingabimbi kakhulu kumama wam; ngenxa yakhe nangenxa yam. Ndikhumbula inguqulelo yakhe ethi “Phupha iPhupha elincinane” iyodlula lee ekaMama uCass. Wayecula oko xa endilalisa ebusuku. Kodwa kwakhona, ubugqwirha buphuma kwintswelo, kwaye ngaloo maxesha, kwakufuneka andilalise. Njengembeko koku, yena kunye nam sadanisa kwaloo ngoma, kwindawo ebonakalayo, emtshatweni wam.

Eyona nto iSpotlight Ambivalence enkulu yokujijisana nayo, nangona kunjalo, yeyakho. 

Inokuvuswa ngokulula kwaye ivale umnqweno wakho wokwamkelwa ngokufanelekileyo ngesantya sombane. 

Igama eliqalisayo lam, umzekelo, ngu hlazo. Umhlobo wethu uLyle uhlala eyisebenzisa xa abantu bethatha indawo ebonakalayo-ebona ukuba yihambo engafanelekanga. Uba ngumntu onoburhalarhume, okrwada xa esithi: “Akufanelanga oko!” Ngenye imini, emva kokuphoxeka kokunye kokugqabhuka kukaLyle, ndazoba ikhathuni yalo mlinganiswa: intombazana encinci ye-Victori ene-pink taffeta hoop-skirt kunye neShirley Temple curls zaqina. Ndimbiza ngokuba nguLil' Priss. Lo mfanekiso uyandinceda ukuba ndimhleke. 

Kodwa kwangaxeshanye, ndifundile ukuqonda ukuba kusenokwenzeka ukuba umama wakhe ohombisekileyo, owazalelwa eMazantsi elila. ukungabi nasimilo ngaye—njengezizukulwana zikaLil’ Prisses zakhala ngaye. (Kanye njengokuba umama wam okhutheleyo, ovukelayo, othetha phandle, waseItaliyane ebhala ngam ngoku—singabantu ngeendlela ezininzi esiphuma kubo.) Kwaye ukuze sibe nobulungisa, uLyle uye wasebenza ukuthethathethana ngobuwena njengendoda yesini esifana nendoda enemvelaphi yakhe— umz., ngoku ulawula ngenkalipho izityholo zakhe ukungabi nasimilo kubenzi bobufanasini. Ndizama ukuyigcina engqondweni loo nto ngalo lonke ixesha xa enetha kwiiparade zam. Kodwa ndikwanethemba lokuba uLil 'Priss ngenye imini akhulule iinwele zakhe, azihlube, akhulule loo corset, kwaye abe sisazulu separade yakhe-kanye njengoko kufuneka ujonge ngabom emtshatweni wakho. 

Njengoko sele sisekile, kukusebenza emva kwayo yonke loo nto, uyayithanda okanye awuyithandi. Enye apho nobabini niziko. Ukuba uqhubeka nayo, kufuneka ufune ukuba lapho. Kwaye ukuba awufuni, fumana indlela. 

Khawucinge ngoko kuthethwa ngumdlali wemiboniso bhanyabhanya uNicole Kidman: “Ndenza nantoni na ukuze ndifikelele kwindawo leyo.” Kuphela… cinga ngaye ukuba xa ethetha ngolwimi lwakhe lwase-Aussie, kumnandi kakhulu. Sebenzisa ixesha onalo ukuya kwindawo. Uya kufuna ukufumana indlela yokuziva ulungile ngokuba kuloo ndawo. Kwakhona, unokuba mkhulu okanye omncinci njengoko ufuna, okoko nje injongo yakho icacisiwe. Kwaye ufuna ukuba khona! Ekuphela kolwaphulo-mthetho lokwenyani lokuhamba epasejini unxibe ilokhwe yenyama kaLady Gaga, umzekelo, kukubonisa ukuba ungathanda ukungaqatshelwa. 

Kwaye kutheni ungaphawulwa? Izibini ezitshatileyo zemveli ziye zakubona oku kangangeenkulungwane, yaye ziyakuphepha ukugculelwa kuba kulindeleke ukuba zikwenze oko. Ngaba ngokwenene kulihlazo ukucela ingqalelo efanayo? Kungenxa yokuba ibali lakho lothando lisenokungabi lelona lidumileyo lakha laxelelwa? Eyona nto imbi kakhulu enokwenzeka kukuba unokonwaba okungaqhelekanga, ngelixa omnye umntu engenzi njalo. Njengomdlali weqonga u-Uta Hagen wakha wathi, “Kufuneka soyise umbono wokuba kufuneka sibe rhoqo. Kukuhlutha ithuba lokuba ungaqhelekanga kwaye kukukhokelela kwindawo ephakathi. ” Akukho ntloni ngokucela ukujongwa njengento engaqhelekanga, ngakumbi xa unomdla wokwabelana. 

Ewe, kuya kufuneka uve into encinci evela kubhuti kaLyn, uMama wam, uCorky, uRita, okanye uLyle, kodwa uya kukwazi ukubeka yonke loo nto emxholweni. Veza uncumo oluhle—oluthi, “Owu, masingawudlali lo mdlalo.” I-toast kwi-queerness yomntu wonke-ngaphakathi okanye ngaphandle. Kwaye usele i-champagne. 

Kodwa kwakhona kufuneka sivumele abantu ukuba babhiyozele iinyaniso zabo ezinqabileyo ngokwemiqathango yabo, kunye okanye ngaphandle kwabaphulaphuli. Ngaphandle komnqweno wam wokutsalela u-Auntie uCorky kwindawo ebonakalayo-ukuze indalo iphela imdumise ngokuyila ilokhwe yeteyiphu yokudibanisa!—yeyakhe ukuyisebenzisa ngendlela athanda ngayo. (Ndixolele ukuhanahanisa kwam njengoko ndimjongile apha. Sonke sisetyenzwa ngokuqhubekayo). Zama ukugcina ugxininiso lwakho ekwenzeni nantoni na engcono nina kunye nesiganeko sakho. 

UJustin kunye nam sagqiba ekubeni singene kwindawo ebonakalayo kwasekuqaleni ngokwenza umfanekiso wophawu lomtshato. Oku kufanekisela incasa yethu engaqhelekanga njengesibini. Siyisebenzisile kuyo yonke into ukusuka ekugcinweni kwemihla ukuya kwiinkqubo kunye noseto lwendawo. Emva kokuhleka, ukuxabana, ukuzoba, kunye newayini ebomvu, siye sakha uhlobo oluthile lomzobo weGothic waseMelika kunye namafama amabini angamadoda: thina. 

Amanye amapolisa aqhelekileyo ebomini bethu asilumkisa ukuba singayisebenzisi, ebonisa ukuba yayibubudenge kakhulu (inzima kakhulu?). Kodwa kuthi yayivakala ilungile. Sasisanda kubona kwaye sachukunyiswa Brokeback Intaba, equlethe uthando olunyanisekileyo lwezesondo phakathi kwamadoda angakaze abonwe kwiikrini eziqhelekileyo-okumangalisayo, iinkomo ezimbini zaseMelika. Sakhuthazwa ukuba sidlale ngemifanekiso eqingqiweyo yamadoda. Umfanekiso wawunyanisekile, unombono ophezulu, kwaye udlala. Njengathi. Kwaye, ngokwerekhodi, sakwenza oku phambi koMthetheleli ka-2008 I-American Gaythic ikhava, kunye nomfanekiso ofanayo ka-Ellen noPortia. 

Kwiminyaka kamva, nangona kunjalo, kwathi qatha kum ukuba impembelelo yethu inokuba ivela kumthombo ongalindelekanga. Ngelixa sijonge kwiifoto zakudala zosapho, sakhubeka kukudubula kuka-Anti uCorky kunye noMalume uJohn ocacileyo we-1972: ifoto ye-sepia ethathwe kwindawo entle, erustic zoo-iAmerican Gothic kakhulu. Wayenxibe ilokhwe yegingham, enxibe isuti yecasual. Wayejongeka e-spunky / ekhazimulayo kwi-pixie cut-njengo-Ellen Burstyn okanye omnye umlingisi welo xesha. Wayejongeka ephambene kwiinqumle zeegusha, njengoDonald Sutherland okanye omnye umdlali welo xesha. 

Amehlo abo ayebengezela yinyani eyoyikisayo njengoko besonwabela uhlobo lwabo lokukhanya.

UMark O'Connell, LCSW, yingcali yengqondo esekwe kwisiXeko saseNew York kwindawo yabucala, umbhali kunye nesithethi sikawonke-wonke kwimiba enxulumene nesini, isazisi kunye neengxabano zobudlelwane. Njengengcali yobudlelwane banamhlanje kunye nomtshato, uhlala edliwano-ndlebe ngu oomolokazana iphephancwadi, Iqhina kunye Imitshato Ngaphakathi, kwaye uyingcali esemthethweni Marriage.com. Ubhalela i-Huffington Post kunye Psychology Today phakathi kweminye imithombo edumileyo, kwaye ukubhala kwakhe kweklinikhi kuye kwapapashwa Ijenali yeAmerican Psychoanalytic Association. Iwebsite yakhe yile MarkOConnellTherapist.com.