Ukuhlela Umshado Wobulili Obufanayo Nokuthola Iseluleko Esivela Ezihlotsheni Ongasicelanga?

UMark O'Connell, umbhali we Omakoti Besimanje & Abakhwenyana Besimanje: Umhlahlandlela Kuhlela I-Straditional, Gay, kanye Neminye Imishado Engajwayelekile Yekhulunyaka Lamashumi amabili Nanye, uhlanganyela ingcaphuno encwadini yakhe mayelana nendlela yokubhekana neseluleko somshado esivela ezihlotsheni zendabuko.

ngu-Ivy Jacobson

Okugqamile Ngemva Kwekhethini: Amathiphu Abalulekile Avela Ezihlotsheni Zomdabu

"Ingabe uzogqoka ingubo yomshado ye-tape tape?" ngibuzile Umzala kaJustin u-Emily. 

Ngizonazisa ukuthi umama ka-Emily, u-Anti uCorky, ungowokuqala ukwenza ingubo ngeteyipu yokudonsa! Wayiklamela i-prom ka-Emily eminyakeni yamashumi ayisishiyagalolunye. Isithombe sika-Emily savela kumamagazini amakhulu—njengawo Maxim-futhi umkhuba waba negciwane. Ingubo ye-tape ye-duct isiphenduke into, into. Manje sekuwumncintiswano oqhubekayo futhi bekuyinselelo yokuklama Project Runway ngo-2012. Kodwa kuze kube namuhla, uCorky akathathanga sikweletu esisemthethweni; bangabantu abazimele. Kungakho ngibuze ngokucasukayo ngemvunulo yomshado ka-Emily—wayethembisene isikhathi eside nesinqandamathe sakhe, kodwa kungabonakali ukushada. Bengifuna wonke umuntu ohilelekile athole ukunakwa ebenginomuzwa wokuthi kufanele. Bengifuna iqiniso labo elingajwayelekile—ebelifihlwe ukujwayelekile/“ubumfihlo”—ukuba libe sematheni. 

Uyabona, nomaphi lapho kukhona ubuwula, kuneqiniso. Nomaphi lapho kukhona ubuwula, kunesidingo. 

Imishado yethu eminingi yesimanje uma kungeyona eyezitabane, eqondile, noma yini onayo queer, okusho ukuthi bamelana nesigaba noma incazelo. Ngiyaqinisekisa ukuthi njengamanje ulandela ukushada kwakho, iqiniso lakho ledlula isiko. Lokho okungenangqondo ngawe izidingo ukuchezuka enkambisweni yokuba khona, ukuphila, ukuphefumula—indlela u-Emily ayedinga ngayo ingubo yeteyipu edonsa ukuze azizwe njengaye e-prom. 

ULyn kanye no Jorge 

Umshado womngane wami uLyn uyisibonelo esihle se-queer = iqiniso = isidingo. ULyn wakhuliswa njengomJuda futhi ethandana nabafana abangamaJuda kuphela waze wahlangana noJorge—umKatolika ongeyena ongowozalo lwaseSalvador. Ngakho, hhayi amaJuda. Conservative (futhi brittle) ebuJudeni bakhe, umfowabo kaLyn wahlanganyela ngokuqinile noLyn ngaphambi komshado wakhe inkolelo yakhe eqinile yokuthi kufanele ashade ngaphakathi kokholo. Ukuze agweme ukungqubuzana okwengeziwe, uLyn akazange asho ukuthi urabi wesifazane wayezokwenza umcimbi wabo, engafuni ukuzwa ukugxekwa okwengeziwe. Umfowabo waqale wenqaba ukuya. Ngaleso sikhathi, uyise kaLyn—idikoni lemvelo elingumJuda elizalwa engumKatolika—wayenezimpaphe ezihuqe uJorge ayengeyena. Okuningi Katolika. Ubaba wakhe naye wayeqikelela ukuthi angasondeli kakhulu ku-chuppah yabo ngesikhathi senkonzo. 

ULyn wamphatha kabi konke lokhu, isikhathi esithile. Konke ukukhetha ayekwenza kwabangela izimpi ezingcwele. Kodwa lapho esekhathele kakhulu ukuba anganakwa, wazikhumbuza ukuthi kungani efuna umshado ekuqaleni indawo. Uyamthanda uJorge. Ufuna ukuchitha impilo yakhe yonke naye. Futhi wayefuna ukubungaza lokho nabantu ababaluleke kakhulu empilweni yakhe. Ecasulayo njengoba umshado wakhe wawubonakala kwabanye, kwakungeyona inhloso kaLyn leyo. Umshado wakhe othandekayo wawumane uwumphumela weqiniso lakhe kanye nesidingo sakhe esimholayo, futhi nakuba kuthathe isikhathi, umfowabo manje unobudlelwane obufudumele noJorge, futhi uveza uthando lwakhe oluchichimayo ngendodana kaLyn noJorge.

Ukwembulwa Kwakho 

Ngakho-ke ungakhathazeki ngokuvusa inkanuko inqobo nje uma ungumuntu. I UBatman noRobin umshado, noma Black Swan, I-Steam Punk, Alien Vs. Predator, noma I-star wars umshado-ophelele ngodwendwe oluya e-Darth Vader March-ungasebenza wonke, kodwa kuphela uma umqondo ukuveza. Not uma ikumboza ekamu elingaphandle. Kungaba ubuqili ukusho umehluko, ikakhulukazi lapho amaphoyisa avamile esihaqile njengomndeni nabangane bethu, futhi ikakhulukazi uma amaphoyisa avamile kuyithina.

Amaphoyisa Ajwayelekile 

Inhlabamkhosi yamaphoyisa avamile ikhala ngezindlela eziningi—indlela ehlaza yomfowabo kaLyn, kodwa nangezindlela ezicashe kakhulu. Umama esaba ukuthi sizoba ne Elton John Wedding noma abantu bebuza izinto ezinjengokuthi “Unjalo hhayi ukuvala ama-tattoos akho?" noma “Awudingi ukuqabula e-altare, akunjalo? Njengoba ningabafana ababili?” Abangani abakushayelayo Bridezilla noma Groomzilla ngoba nje ufuna ingubo ecwebezelayo noma isudi ekwenza uzizwe njengenkanyezi. Umndeni othi “udlulele,” ngenxa nje yokuthi empeleni ukujabulele ukushada noma ngoba empeleni ufuna ukubonakala ngale ndlela. Kulula kakhulu ukudumazeka ngalezi zikhathi, ukuvala injabulo yakho kanye/noma ukufiphala ngamahloni. 

Zinike isikhathi sokuzindla ngemilayezo ekuvimbela ukuba ubonakale obala—ikakhulukazi uma kunguwe ozenza iphoyisa. 

Bheka isikhathi eside futhi kanzima izindlela oziphuphayo zokubukisa. Yenza lokhu izithombe ngikunikeze amakhaza? Uma kunjalo, mhlawumbe lokho kungenxa yokuthi umqondo wokugubha yonke into oyithandayo phambi kwabantu obathandayo uyakujabulisa. Ngisho noma ukukhetha kwakho isethulo kubonakala kuvusa inkanuko kwabanye, ukucasuka kungase kungabi umgomo wakho wokugcina. Ngisho noma ukhetha ukudiliza izindonga zesiko—indlela uLyn enza ngayo ekushadeni komuntu ongeyena umJuda nokuba norabi wesifazane—mhlawumbe lokhu ukwenzile ukuze kwakhiwe indawo yokuba iqiniso lakho libe khona. Hhayi nje "ukwenza isigcawu."

Ngaphezu kwalokho, mhlawumbe izihlobo zakho ezibonakala ngokwesiko zinokuhlakanipha okungaphezu kokukunikeza kunalokho okubonayo ekuqaleni. 

Ngokwesibonelo, ngake ngacabanga ukuthi u-Anti Corky wayeyiphoyisa elivamile phakathi nokuvakasha kwakhe nomyeni wakhe, uMalume uJohn, ngemva nje komshado wethu. U-Corky wayengathandi enye yama-toast ekwamukelweni kwethu, futhi wayefuna sikwazi. “Angizange ngicabange ukuthi kudingekile,” esho, ebhekisela esigcawini “sezombangazwe” esinikezwa umngane wethu othandekayo uSharon. USharon ungamandla anobungane, akhuluma ngonya—ngezinye izikhathi simbiza ngokuthi Isiphepho uSharon. Wayekhahlela njengommeli wephrojekthi ye-ACLU LGBT ngesikhathi sokushada kwethu, futhi njengoba imigqa yamaphutha yomshado ishintsha-ngokomthetho nangokwenhlalo-sasingacabanga ukuthi akekho ongcono ngengxenye ye-keepin'-it-real, yokumela. ngomshado wethu ongekho emthethweni kunaye. Kodwa uCorky akavumanga. “Besikhona sonke ukuzokweseka. Kungani kwakudingeka umuntu aye lapho?”

Ukuphawula kwakhe kwangenza ngadinwa ngaleso sikhathi, kodwa ngokubona okufushane, futhi ngokungafanele, ngawabonisa ukuthi wayengowesintu. 

Unina kaJustin, uSandy, mhlawumbe washintsha umbono wami, wasikisela ukuthi uJohn (umfowabo) wayebhekwa “njengovamile” kubazali babo be-WASPy, kuyilapho uSandy ezizwa njengemvu emnyama. UJohn noCorky babenomshado omude onempilo, indlu yasepulazini enhle yaseNew England—nothango olubiyelwe—kanye namadodakazi amabili athandekayo. Nakuba uSandy—nakuba ayenamadodana amabili athandekayo—wayehlukanisile futhi engajwayelekile ngokwehlaya, ngesitayela, futhi ngokuvamile. Kodwa lokhu kuwumbono owodwa nje. 

Qaphela ukulandisa komndeni okuchemayo. Bangadala izithiyo ezingadingekile phakathi kwakho nezinye zezihlobo zakho. 

Impela, ngokubuka kwendiza enophephela emhlane, uJohn noCorky bangase bafane nomndeni ovamile osuka kuwo Ishiye ku-Beaver, kodwa uma usondeza i-tattoo yesibankwa endlebeni ka-Corky, uzobona ubukhazikhazi obumangalisayo bunyakazisa indlela yokuphuma. Eqinisweni, uma uya endlini yabo—efana nendawo enhle yokulala nesidlo sasekuseni saseNew England—ungabona ukukhanya okumangalisayo kuphuma emnyango obheke phezulu. Le yindawo ka Corky. Ngaphakathi, uzothola amathoyizi apendwe ngesandla, izihlalo, amawashi—kanye nengubo yetheyiphu edonsa ngezikhathi ezithile—konke kusitayela sakhe esingavamile. 

Uyazi ukuthi u-Tim Burton unalo kanjani isithonjana, ezinye-zezwe, ezinemigqa emnyama nemhlophe, engaqondakali, yobuhle be-gothic? I-Corky's ihluke kakhulu.

Wake wenzela u-Justin isihlalo esipendwe ngemibala emnandi kamaskandi kanye nezimo ezingathi ziyadansa. Uphinde asithumelele umhlobiso kakhisimusi owenziwe ngezandla njalo ngonyaka: kanye, ngokungakhohlwa, sithole ama-elves agxishiwe anobuso bethu obuhlolwe ngosilika, esibabiza ngonodoli bethu be-voodoo. Ngempela ungumuntu wangempela, onethalente, futhi ungumuntu wezandla ongaka engake ngamazi. 

Kodwa ukukhetha kwakhe ukuhlala engaziwa. Kuvaliwe, uma uthanda. Futhi kufanele ngifunde ukuhlonipha lokho. (Esikhathini esithile. Kuyacaca ukuthi angikabi lapho, njengoba ngokusobala ngibhala ngaye.) Kodwa lokhu ukusho nje ukuthi ngisho nezihlobo zethu ezizimele, ezibonakala ziyindabuko akubona ngempela omashiqela baseNyakatho Korea. Umgomo wabo wokugcina kungase kungabi ukusivala. Eqinisweni, njengo-Corky, bangase babe nenqwaba yobuciko bokuqamba obubekwe kude obungaba usizo olukhulu kithi, uma sazi ukuthi sibheke kuphi. 

UCorky noJohn 

Njengoba kuvela, uCorky noJohn babene- umshado queer ezabo. (KwakunguSandy Wezimvu Ezimnyama owayenomsebenzi omkhulu ovamile wokwenza ethekwini likanokusho laseNew Hampshire. Khumbula engikushilo ngemishado nokuhlekisa, esahlukweni 1?) U-John no-Corky, ngakolunye uhlangothi, bacasuka. Babehlala eKansas ngaleso sikhathi, kude nemindeni yabo, futhi bavele bakwenza. Bona nje, abanye abangani, nenja kaJohn, uJosh. Imibandela yabo. U-John unikeze u-Corky indandatho ka-Donald Duck ngaleso sikhathi: isenzo esaveza amahlaya abo kanye nomuzwa ongemuhle wale siko njengokudlala. Baye baba ezihlukahlukene izindandatho zomshado phakathi neminyaka—izinyo lendlovu, i-jade, iplatinum—kodwa uJohn usanda kulungiswa indandatho yokuqala ukuze kukhunjulwe umshado wabo queer: UDonald manje ubamba idayimane. 

Futhi ubugebenga babo buye baba nenuzi—njengasemndenini. Njengoba ngibhala lokhu, sithole isimemezelo sangemva kweqiniso somshado osondelene nomzala u-Emily, ongaphansi kwe-radar. Ayikho ingubo yetheyiphu edonsayo, ngokudabukisayo. Kodwa ngokweqiniso kuye, u-Emily wafuna ukunethezeka umakoti: i-tank top emhlophe, izikhindi zedenim, nama-flip flop.

Qala ukuklelisa abaholi bendabuko abajwayelekile emndenini wakho futhi ubaphenye. 

Ungakwazi ukususa noma yiziphi iziphakamiso ezivamile ongazithandi, kodwa okwamanje ungathola ugqozi ezindaweni ongalindelekile. 

Isibonelo, thatha u-Anti wami u-Rita, okwathi lapho eshaywa eminyakeni yamashumi ayisikhombisa, wajuba waqonda ekupheleni kwe-suburban Long Island (ngokwezwi nezwi, wayengumfundisi wokubhukuda). Wayesanda kweva eminyakeni engamashumi amabili ubudala futhi leli kwakuyithikithi lakhe lokuphuma eBronx. Kusukela kudala ngimazi, ubemuhle, ebhlophe ngendlela exakile, eveza izinzipho okwazi ukusika ngazo isiteki, futhi “ebhuquza” njengoMama Wekhaya Wangempela we-“Lawn Guyland.” Isisheleli sengilazi esivamile sasemadolobheni sasibonakala silingana nonyawo lukaRita—kwaze kwaba yilapho ethola isehlukaniso futhi indawo engaphansi kwedolobha yaba “iDawgville.” Futhi uCinderella waseLawn Guyland wabuyiselwa emuva waba nguRita waseBlock. 

I-polishi evamile isuliwe, manje sengiyakwazi ukumbona uRita esanda, ngokumangalisayo, eyindlovukazi. Ngicabanga ukuthi kungenzeka ukuthi wayenjani ngaphambi komshado wakhe wendabuko. Ngenkathi esengumfundi kwa-FIT futhi eklama ingubo yakhe yomshado wabazali bami ngo-1971, isibonelo. Amabhulukwe ashisayo apinki ashisayo! (Usengilungisile: wathi ama-hot-pants empeleni, “salmon”). Hhayi kahle ukuthi umama wekhaya wase-Long Island okhathalela isimo angakhetha ini emshadweni. I-queer ngokuphelele. Ubani obengathunk? 

Ngabe ngangimcele uRita iseluleko esiqondile sokushada, esinjengokuthi “Ingabe Omama bethu kufanele basiphe?” kungenzeka ukuthi washwabanisa ikhala lakhe ngokungafuni—ngokwejwayelekile, ngobuvila—engazange ayibone into enjalo “E-Lawn Guyland.” Kodwa iqhinga kungaba ukubuza mayelana nama-hot-pants. Lapho, ngangithola ukukhanya kukaRita, okwakungase kusisize ekufuneni kwethu iqiniso eliwumsuka nje. 

Njengoba kwenzeka, umfowabo kaLyn—umJuda odla ngoludala—naye unomlando oyimfihlo wobugebenga—okuhlanganisa nobusuku obungasendle eNew Orleans, ngisho nendawo yokuphambana ye-Halloween, egqoka njengomhlengikazi, umhlengikazi wesifazane. ULyn unesithombe. Ukube nje ubekwazile ukufinyelela kuleyo nguqulo yakhe lapho ehlela umshado wakhe. 

Sifunda ukubhekana kangcono namaphoyisa ajwayelekile ezimpilweni zethu, futhi sithole ugqozi kuwo, lapho siqonda ukuthi imibono yawo elawulayo ivela kuphi. Abazami ngempela ukuba ngabaxazululi besiko, futhi abanalo ngempela i-phobia mayelana nabantu abafana nawe. Abangase babe nakho ukungaboni ngaso linye mayelana nokuhlala endaweni ekhanyayo ngokwabo. 

I-Spotlight Ambivalence 

I-Spotlight Ambivalence imizwa exubile mayelana nokudalula iqiniso lomuntu lokudala lapho inselele inkambiso. Kudala ukuthi abantu basebenze, futhi kwesinye isikhathi baphikise lapho uthatha indawo emaphakathi. 

Kodwa njengo-Corky, u-Rita, nomfowabo ka-Lyn, kungenzeka futhi ukuthi baphethe ingubo ebabazekayo ye-tape tape, amabhulukwe ashisayo “e-salmon”, noma ingubo yomhlengikazi omatasatasa ngemuva kwekhethini. Uma silalela ngomqondo ovulekile, singase sithole amaqiniso abo angajwayelekile, futhi sibe nesibindi sokuveza okwethu ukuziveza. 

Ngifisa sengathi ngabe ngikuqonda kangcono i-Spotlight Ambivalence ngenkathi uMama wami ememezela ukwesaba kwakhe umshado ka-Elton John. Noma ngisho nangaphambi kwalokho, lapho ngineminyaka emihlanu. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, wangivumela ukuba ngibe ngumthakathi we-Halloween futhi wangitholela unodoli onguMiss Piggy ngoKhisimusi. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, wayevame ukungakhululeki—ngokucashile, kodwa enomthelela—lapho ngidonsela ukunaka kimina ngezindlela ezingavumelani nobulili, isb, “Ingabe abafana bayawacosha amashiya?” kanye nokuthi “Ama-S akho aya kancane.”

Empeleni akuvamile ukuthi abesifazane nezitabane noma amadoda angavumelani nobulili babe nomama ababonisa lolu hlobo lwe-Spotlight Ambivalence.. Umphakathi wethu uthambekele ekwenzeni amaphoyisa noma ukujezisa (noma ukuxhaphaza) zonke izinto ezithinta abesifazane. Lokhu kubeka umthwalo ongalungile kwabaningi bethu ukumboza izifiso zethu zokunakwa, ngenxa yokwesaba ukuzuza amalebula. flamboyant, indlovukazi yedrama, ilangabi, naka isifebe, njll. Omama bethu abaningi bazama ukusivikela ekushayeni umphakathi ngempama kabuhlungu ngokusithumelela imiyalezo—ngobuqili noma ngokuqondile—ukuze “siyibeke phansi.” (“Ingabe uyayidinga ngempela leya ngubo ewubukhazikhazi?” “Ungabi inkosazana enjalo.”) Nokho, omama abaningi abafana nesami bangase babe nesifiso sabo siqu—nakuba esingaqondakali— ngathi nakubo bobabili. ukudansa endaweni ebonakalayo. 

Isibonelo, isifiso sikamama sokuthi ngibe noMiss Piggy azodlala no-backstage sasikhona kanye nokwesaba kwakhe unya engangingaluthola uma ngibanjwa ngidlala no-Miss Piggy centre. Manje sengithola ukuthi wayengeyena ngokwemvelo wazonda abathandanayo noma ikakhulukazi ezondayo. Wayengakunaki; ukwesaba ukunakwa okuvela ekuphambukeni ekuphepheni kwenkambiso. 

Yiqiniso lapho amadoda aqondile, amhlophe, angamadoda, ethatha indawo evelele—njengoba enza njalo ngezindlela esizilindele: amandla, ubudlova, njll—kaningi asiboni nokuqaphela. (Abafowethu abathathu bagwenywa kakhulu ezimisweni zikamama ezicashile, ezijwayelekile.) Asiboni becela ukunakwa okukhethekile njengoba sibavumele ukuthi balawule ukukhanya kwasekuqaleni. 

Manje sengiyaqonda ukuthi noma nini lapho uMama ekhononda ngesikhindi esifushane sika-Serena Williams noma esika-Angelina Jolie… kahle-hle, yonke into ngo-Angelina Jolie, noma ingane yami esakhula esibelethweni sika-“S” (isikole sangaphambi kwedrama), kwakukhuluma i-Spotlight Ambivalence yakhe. Ngesikhathi egxeka udadewabo, u-Anti wami u-Connie, hhayi nje ngemishado yakhe eminingi, kodwa nangokudlala indima ehamba phambili ngocansi ku- Chicago, Cabaret, Hello Dolly, Sweet Charity, Funny Girl, Gypsy kanye nabanye abangenakubalwa—hleze sikhohlwe, wahlukunyezwa ngu-Liz Taylor—kwakuyi-Spotlight Ambivalence kamama edlalwa. 

Ngifisa sengathi i-Spotlight Ambivalence ayizange imbambe ngamandla umama wami; ngenxa yakhe nangenxa yami. Ngikhumbula ingoma yakhe ethi “Dream a Little Dream” eyidlula kude ekaMama Cass. Wayecula lokho lapho engilalisa ebusuku. Kodwa futhi, ubuqhwaga buvela ngenxa yesidingo, futhi ngalezo zikhathi, wayedinga ukungilalisa. Njengokuhlonipha lokhu, mina naye sadansela yona kanye lelo culo, esigcawini, emshadweni wami.

I-Spotlight Ambivalence enkulu kakhulu ongabambana nayo, nokho, ingeyakho. 

Ingase ivuswe kalula futhi ivale isifiso sakho sokuqashelwa okufanele ngesivinini sombani. 

Igama lami eliyisiqalo, isibonelo, lithi engcolile. Umngane wethu u-Lyle uvame ukuyisebenzisa lapho abantu bebuka—akubona njengokuziphatha okungenasisekelo. Uba umlingiswa onobudlova, onolaka lapho ethi: “Akulungile lokho!” Ngolunye usuku, ngemva kokukhungatheka ngokunye kokuqhuma kukaLyle, ngadweba ikhathuni yalo mlingiswa: intombazanyana emile, engumVictori enesiketi se-taffeta hoop-skirt esipinki kanye namacurl e-Shirley Temple adonseka aqina. Ngimbiza ngoLil' Priss. Lesi sithombe siyangisiza ngimhleke. 

Kepha ngasikhathi sinye, ngifunde ukubona ukuthi kungenzeka ukuthi umama wakhe ohlotshisiwe, owazalelwa eNingizimu uyakhala. ukunganaki ngaye—njengezizukulwane zikaLil’ Prisses zikhala ngaye. (Njengoba nje umama wami okhuthele, onohlongandlebe, okhuluma ngokungagwegwesi, waseNtaliyane ebhala ngami manje—singabantu ngezindlela eziningi esiphuma kubo.) Futhi ukuze sikhulume iqiniso, u-Lyle usebenzele ukuxoxisana ngobuwena njengendoda eyisitabane ngezimpande zakhe ezilandela imithetho— isib. Manje uqondisa amacala akhe ngesibindi ukunganaki nababhebhezeli be-homophobia. Ngizama ukukukhumbula lokho njalo lapho enetha emibuthanweni yami. Kodwa futhi nginethemba lokuthi uLil' Priss ngelinye ilanga uzodedela izinwele zakhe, azithintithe, akhulule leyo corset, futhi abe isikhungo sombukiso wakhe—njengoba kufanele ubonakale ngamabomu emshadweni wakho. 

Njengoba sesivele sasungula, kungukusebenza phela, uthanda noma ungathandi. Omunye lapho nobabili niyisikhungo. Uma udlula kukho, kufanele ufune ukuba lapho. Futhi uma ungayitholi, thola indlela. 

Cabangela lokho okushiwo isihlabani samafilimu uNicole Kidman ngokulingisa: “Ngenza noma yini ukuze ngifinyelele endaweni. Kuphela… cabanga ngaye ethi ngendlela yakhe ye-Aussie, kumnandi kakhulu. Sebenzisa isikhathi onaso ukuze ufike endaweni. Uzofuna ukuthola indlela yokuzizwa kahle ngokuba kuleyo ndawo. Futhi, ungaba mkhulu noma ube mncane ngendlela ofuna ngayo, inqobo nje uma inhloso yakho icacile. Futhi ufuna ukuba lapho! Okuwukuphela kobugebengu bangempela ekuhambeni indlela ugqoke ingubo yenyama ka-Lady Gaga, isibonelo, ukuveza ukuthi ungathanda ukunganakwa. 

Futhi kungani kungafanele unakwe? Imibhangqwana yendabuko sekungamakhulu eminyaka ibheka lokhu, futhi igwema ukuhlekwa usulu ngoba kulindeleke ukuthi ikuthathe. Ingabe ngempela kuyihlazo ukucela ukunakwa okufanayo? Ngoba nje indaba yakho yothando ingase ingabi ethandwa kakhulu owake watshelwa? Okubi kakhulu okungenzeka ukuthi ujabule ngendlela engavamile, kuyilapho omunye umuntu engenzi. Njengoba umlingisi u-Uta Hagen ake asho, “Kufanele sinqobe umbono wokuthi kufanele sibe njalo. Kukuphuca ithuba lokuba ongajwayelekile futhi kukuholela ezingeni eliphansi.” Awukho amahloni ngokucela ukuthi ubhekwe njengento engavamile, ikakhulukazi uma unothando lokwabelana nabanye. 

Yebo, kungase kudingeke ukuthi uzwe into encane evela kumfowabo ka-Lyn, uMama wami, u-Corky, u-Rita, noma uLyle, kodwa uzokwazi ukukubeka konke lokho kumongo. Vele unikeze ukumamatheka okunomusa—okuthi, “O, asingawudlali lowo mdlalo.” Gcoba ithosi kubo bonke abantu—ngaphakathi noma ngaphandle. Bese uphuza i-champagne. 

Kodwa futhi kufanele sivumele abantu ukuthi bagubhe amaqiniso abo angajwayelekile ngokwemibandela yabo, bengenazo izethameli. Naphezu kwesifiso sami sokudonsela u-Anti u-Corky obala—ukuze indawo yonke izomncoma ngokusungula ingubo yeteyipu edonsayo!— ingeyakhe ukuthi ayisebenzise ngendlela athanda ngayo. (Uxolo ukuzenzisa kwami ​​​​njengoba ngimgqamisa lapha. Sonke siyaqhubeka nemisebenzi). Zama ukugxila ekwenzeni noma yini engcono kakhulu wena kanye nomcimbi wakho. 

Mina no-Justin sanquma ukungena ekukhanyeni kusukela ekuqaleni ngokwakha isithombe somkhiqizo womshado. Lokhu kufanekisela ukunambitheka kwethu okuxakile njengebhangqa. Siyisebenzise kukho konke kusukela ekulondolozeni amadethi kuya ezinhlelweni nasezilungiselelweni zendawo. Ngemva kokuhleka, ukuxabana, ukudweba, newayini elibomvu, sakhe inguqulo enqanyuliwe yomdwebo we-American gothic nabalimi ababili besilisa: thina. 

Amanye amaphoyisa ajwayelekile ezimpilweni zethu asixwayise ukuthi singayisebenzisi, ephakamisa ukuthi iwubulima kakhulu (iwubuwula kakhulu?). Kodwa kithina bekuzwakala kulungile. Sasisanda kubona futhi sathinteka Brokeback Mountain, eyayiqukethe uthando lobulili oluthembeke kakhulu phakathi kwamadoda ake abonwa ezikrinini ezivamile—okuxakayo ukuthi, abafana ababili baseMelika abasebenzisa izinkomo. Sagqugquzelwa ukuthi sidlale nge-iconography yabesilisa yakudala. Isithombe sasiqotho, sinomqondo ophezulu, futhi sidlala. Njengathi. Futhi, njengerekhodi, sakwenza lokhu ngaphambi kuka-Advocate ka-2008 I-American Gaythic isembozo, esinesithombe esifanayo sika-Ellen noPortia. 

Eminyakeni eminingi kamuva, nokho, kwafika kimina ukuthi kungenzeka ukuthi ugqozi lwethu luvela emthonjeni owawulindelwe kancane. Ngenkathi sibheka ezithombeni zomndeni ezindala, sazithela ezithombeni zika-Anti u-Corky kanye no-Malume u-John abakhuluma yedwa ngo-1972: isithombe se-sepia esithathwe endaweni ye-zoo enhle, e rustic—i-American Gothic kakhulu. Wayegqoke ingubo ye-gingham, egqoke isudi engavamile. Ubebukeka eshaqekile/ekhazimula ku-pixie cut-njengo-Ellen Burstyn noma omunye umlingisi wangaleso sikhathi. Wayebukeka ehlanya ngokuqopha inyama yemvu, njengoDonald Sutherland noma omunye umlingisi wangaleso sikhathi. 

Amehlo abo ayecwebezela ngeqiniso eliwumqandu njengoba bejabulela okwabo uhlobo lokukhanya.

UMark O'Connell, LCSW, ungudokotela wengqondo ozinze eNew York City emsebenzini wangasese, umbhali kanye nesikhulumi somphakathi ezindabeni ezihlobene nobulili, ubuwena kanye nezingxabano zobudlelwano. Njengengcweti yobudlelwano besimanje nomshado, uvame ukuxoxwa naye omakoti Umagazini, Ifindo kanye Nangaphakathi Kwemishado, futhi unguchwepheshe osemthethweni ku-Marriage.com. Ubhalela i-Huffington Post kanye I-Psychology Today phakathi kweminye imithombo edumile, kanye nokubhala kwakhe emtholampilo kushicilelwe ngu Ijenali ye-American Psychoanalytic Association. Iwebhusayithi yakhe MarkOConnellTherapist.com.